The Grief of Having No Language to Express Your Grief

do trans women and transfeminine have utility beyond our aesthetics? or do we exist simply to be reduced to symbols and metaphors for inspiration and transcendence for other people? the condition of trans femme existence is one of constant anxiety, isolation, and loss -- knowing that we must undergo constant harassment from many genders with a smile (or else), knowing that when we speak openly about what we undergo we will be dismissed as exaggerating and/or playing the victim card. we must constantly navigate a world that actively abuses us while simultaneously stripping us of the language and frameworks to even articulate it. it is to suffer not just the physical and psychological pain of being constantly scrutinized and punished, but also the grief of having no discourse with which to legitimate it.

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Beyond Trans Visibility

Originally written on Trans Day of Visibility 2015

1) “Trans” “Visibility” is an oxymoron. Trans is who we are, not what we we look like. We shouldn’t have to look like anything in particular in order to be believed for who we are. Visibility often is a form of (nonconsensual) labor that we have to in order to make our experiences coherent to others.

2) Trans Visibility is a cis framework. Who are we becoming visible for? Why do we have to become visible in order to be taken seriously? Non-trans people will congratulate themselves for our visibility but will not mention how they are the ones were responsible for erasing us in the first place. The trans movement isn’t about trans people moving forward, it’s about cis people catching up with us.

3) Invisibility is not the problem, transmisogyny is the problem. Trans people are harassed precisely because we ARE visible. Mandating visibility increases violence against the most vulnerable among us. The same system that will require trans people to be visible will not give institutional support to us when we are harassed precisely because we are visible.

4) Visibility often means incorporation. Often the only way we are respected as “legitimately” trans is if we appeal to dominant norms of beauty, gender, race, and establishment politics. Trans people should not have to be patriotic, change what we wear, undergo medical or legal transition, really should not have to do anything in order to be respected. We were and already are enough.

5) Visibility is easy. Organizing is hard. Sharing photos of trans people and calling us “resilient” and “beautiful” does little to address the persecution so many of us face. We cannot love ourselves out of structural oppression alone. How come media visibility of trans people has not resulted in the funding and support of our organizations, campaigns, and struggles?

Let’s push harder and demand more.

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Pronouns Aren't Preferred

trans people do not have *preferred* pronouns as if our genders are some sort of opinion up for debate. we have pronouns. that's a fact. so misgendering us isn't about being insensitive, it's about being incorrect.


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cis feminism's double standards

The amount of vitriol that cis women (including those who identify as feminists) levy to trans women & femmes (especially those of us who are gender non-conforming) is staggering and concerning.

Trans women & gender non-conforming people know intimately how dangerous a feminism is that displaces sole culpability on cis men, and not a gendered system to begin with. What is becoming increasingly apparent to me is that cis women redirect many of the patriarchal tactics used by cis men on them against US!

In response to trans critiques, liberal cis feminism has created a binary of the *good tranny* and the *bad tranny* to establish who is permitted in feminism and who is not.

The *good tranny* identifies as a woman, mostly keeps quiet and dresses conservatively, defers to cis leadership, is heterosexual and gender conforming, narrates her transition as always knowing she was a woman, tries her best to invisibilize her difference, blames her oppression on cis men only, does not speak about violence she has experienced from cis women, and re-confirms what cis women believe about gender (that it is real, fixed, binary, etc.).

The *bad tranny* is gender non-conforming, may engage in sex work, queer, not respectable, does not claim allegiance and sisterhood with all cis women, speaks explicitly about the violence they/she have experienced by cis women, does not apologize for their body/genitalia, does not shave, asserts their leadership, is critical of the essentialism of "womanhood," is skeptical of dismissing men as uniformly privileged and oppressive, and directly challenges cis women's political project and worldview more generally.

In a political moment where it's increasingly unacceptable for cis feminists to openly exclude trans women, new forms of exclusion through the performance of inclusion have been devised. while perhaps more subtle, these tactics are just as troublesome. it's a moment of "I accept trans...but!" Our acceptance is contingent on our erasure: both of our appearances and our experiences. Our acceptance is contingent on our willingness to perpetuate gender binary thinking and not challenge it.

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transfeminism helps all women

when transfeminine people critique cis feminism we are not doing so because we necessarily "want to be included," but also because we want to expand the horizons of what justice could and should look like. 

for example: the presumption that all of the social, cultural, economic, racial, political, and ideological differences among millions of different people can be subsumed under the universal category of "woman" is deeply troublesome not just for trans people, but for everyone. the idea that ones personhood should be contingent on their body (let alone their genitalia) is harmful not just for trans people, but for everyone. the notion that one word/one identity (let alone in english) could describe our constantly changing being for our entire lives is reductive not just for trans people, but for everyone.

every time i witness the intense backlash to trans people calling for more expansive and profound ways of understanding gender and the world i am reminded that people have been so conditioned to their own suffering that they often reject the very things that have the potential to set them free.

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cis feminism's limitations

i am feeling vulnerable from all of the hate mail i have been receiving and determined to move from a place inspired by it to make something salvageable out of all of this hurt -- so i am just going to put this out there.

growing up it was the men who harassed me who first acknowledged my difference. from literally the age of 4 i remember being called a girl and a sissy which eventually became faggot as i grew up and now tranny. what has always struck me is how cis men have been so much more able (and willing in their own perverse and vitriolic ways) to acknowledge my difference and the ways in which i am failing to be a "man" much more than cis woman have. cis women continued to insist that i was "just a man," just a little different: "he just loves his sister." for cis men my femininity was regarded as something that disqualified me from manhood, but for cis women my femininity was observed as something less salient than my manhood (an addition to it, if you will).

these days when cis men harass me there is a sense of recognition and acknowledgement: i am that which they had to destroy in themselves and so therefore i must be destroyed otherwise i remind them another world is possible. when cis women harass me there's a sense of confusion: "what even is that, it must be a man!"

so what i am trying to get at is we have this weird situation where deeply misogynist men are able to acknowledge my difference in ways that progressive cis feminists still cannot. there is a disaggregation of what masculinity/manhood is, a complexity afforded to it, a recognition of internal hierarchy and lateral violence -- and none of this makes it to cis feminism's insistence on dismissing and homogenizing this and me all as "man" on the basis of my genitalia.

cis feminism refuses to acknowledge, validate, and center forms of patriarchal violence that run contrary to the gender binary of cis man against cis woman. but what my experiences as a gender non-conforming person have shown me is that cis men can be deeply misogynist and violent to each other, to men who they perceive as feminine, and to trans and gender non-conforming people. femininity is what is under attack here, not necessarily "womanhood." the forms of patriarchal violence that are enacted are not just about genitalia, they're about femininity more generally (speech, dress, gestures, interests, etc).

the question remains: why are misogynist men often able to recognize (often through economies of violence) forms of femininity that are not linked to womanhood whereas so many cis women refuse to? i often find that many cis men -- and especially queer cis men -- understand what i go through much better than cis women because of this fact.

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Always Include Gender Non-Conforming People

Friends: Over the past few months I have been receiving an unprecedented amount of vitriolic and repugnant comments, messages, and online abuse. Many, many rape and death threats are included in this.

This has everything to do with the social legitimization of (trans)misogyny by the state-endorsed right wing. Thank you to the many of you who have sent me comforting messages of support. Many of you have been asking what you can do to help and I've been thinking about it and here's what I feel is important to say.

As a queer/nonbinary/trans/femme/gender non-conforming person of color I experience harassment almost every day when I go outside and when I post online. You never quite get "used to it," but you develop coping strategies and support networks. But what I can't cope with is the ways in which gender non-conforming people are required to make arguments for the legitimacy of our struggle actively while we are being attacked.

What I mean is: white cis feminism continues to only racialize and gender us as villains and never victims. In fact, white cis feminism has and continues to be used to blame, demonize, and discredit transfeminine people of color for a very long time.

So what this means is when we experience harassment we have to humanize ourselves, make a case for why we deserve empathy and care. We are up against hundreds of years of solidified colonial narratives that prevent people from A) acknowledging that we exist and B) acknowledging that we are under attack, not the attackers and C) that we deserve care and support.

That's the part that exhausts me most -- not even being able to rest because I have to be vigilant to highlight all of the dynamics of racialized transmisogyny.

What I would ask is that you help gender non-conforming people of color like me by including us in all of your feminist & gender frameworks. Language matters. Say violence against women and gender non-conforming people. Say violence against trans women and gender non-conforming people (or violence against transfeminine people). Don't just say patriarchy is violence from men directed to women, say patriarchy is also violence against gender non-conforming people.

Be vigilant to constantly and at all levels refuse to participate in the erasure of gender non-conforming people. GNC people deserve spaces and time to rest and recuperate and we shouldn't have to worry that we will be misgendered and misrepresented.

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do you want to end patriarchy or preserve cis supremacy?

This narrative that we should focus on cis women's issues and "address the nonbinary question" in the future is so pervasive, entrenched, and troublesome. What it shows is that many feminists are fighting for cis supremacy, not the end of patriarchy (there is a difference).

If you were really interested in ending patriarchy you would recognize that relying on the gender binary to advance your political claims and secure justice means that you are not fighting for total and complete liberation.

Challenging the gender binary helps EVERYONE, not *just* nonbinary and gender non-conforming people. This is not about a disgruntled minority overstepping our bounds and speaking for a majority -- this is about a concerted effort by people of various genders to dream and imagine a way of living in the world where our personhood, our safety, and our dignity are not linked to gender.

Your body -- every body -- should have an intrinsic worth for being, a right to self-definition and authorship, a right to choose your own gender, a right to existing outside of the mandate and mechanisms of gender itself. No doctor, no politician, no parent, no document, no policy should be able to decide your gender for you.

The reason trans and gender non-conforming people critique feminism is not because we are "divisive," it is because we know intimately how detrimental the gender binary has been not just in our own lives, but in the lives of the communities that we are from and the people that we love.

We believe you -- and we -- are worth so much more than having our bodies belong to gender and not ourselves. We believe that you -- and we -- are worth so much more than having all of our uniqueness, our differentness, our complexity be glossed over in the service of homogenizing billions of people into one of two categories. We believe that your -- and our -- existence is so complicated, so nuanced, so textured, so vast, so incredible that no one category can hold all of our multitudes.

Do you?

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"violence against men" and "violence against women" aren't mutually exclusive

often the way that we discuss gender based violence erases trans and gender non conforming people.

violence against "men" of color and violence against "women" of color should not be discussed as if they are necessarily distinct. in fact these forms of gendered violence often operate simultaneously on the bodies of trans and gender non-conforming people.

as anti-violence activists have long recognized: violence is often enacted based off of how someone perceives or profiles you as (regardless of how you may personally identify). depending on the day and how we are presenting -- trans and gender non-conforming people can be perceived as cis men, cis women, both, and/or trans and we are meted out violence accordingly.

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Trans People Shouldn't Have to Be Beautiful to Be Safe

please stop calling trans women and transfeminine people "beautiful" when we tell you about the violence we experience.

what this does is perpetuate the myth that beauty protects us from violence (when, in fact, it is often our beauty and other's desire for it that results in violence). trans women and transfeminine people should have an intrinsic worth beyond our appearance. we shouldn't have to be beautiful in order to be real. we shouldn't have to be beautiful in order to be safe.

this is part of a larger project which expects women and femmes to love/beautify/self-care/heal/dress ourselves out of patriarchal violence instead of others being tasked with ending misogyny.

instead try: "i am sorry that happened. i wish i was there to fight for you. i promise i will do my best to fight transmisogyny and racism and create a safer world for you."

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stop harassing GNC femmes!

I just want to take a moment to send gratitude to all of you who I just want to take a moment to send gratitude to all of you who are out there making sure that people gender me correctly (I use "they" pronouns and do not identify as a man) and to all of you who are pushing back against transmisogynist comments on the video project I did with Refinery 29.

Being a femme gender non-conforming person on the internet is a daily struggle. On top of being almost consistently misgendered by (both cis and binary trans) people in person, I have thousands of people across the world calling me a "man," a "tranny," a "heshe," and worse. Often people comment on my photos tagging their friends to laugh at how ridiculous, ugly, and strange I look. Every time I embark on a project that gets a lot of circulation I have to prepare myself for the onslaught of hate mail which inevitably includes violent threats, speculation on my genitalia, being insulted, being called an animal, and non-stop commentary on every aspect of my body.

And it's even harder knowing that it's never going to stop. Like so many other gender non-conforming people, I am not going to ever "pass" as a cisgender person. Violence and misgendering doesn't just stop -- it's ongoing. Being femme and gender non-conforming means being made into a spectacle for other people -- means not being able to control my own body and its representation. And it's frightening because (like all of you!) I have a conflicted relationship with my body. I started to identify as "trans," as a way to regain control of my identity but it has only opened me up to more scrutiny. 

I am dreaming of a world where everyone -- regardless of what they look like -- can be respected for who they say they are. I am dreaming of a world where we stop policing one another into categories that actually don't fit any of us, where we are open to being infinitely transformed by one another's differences.

To the transmisogyny out there I just want to remind you:

1. The idea of universal womanhood is false. There is no one way to look like a woman. The idea of universal femininity is false. There is no one way to be femme. We all have our own unique ways of presenting our femininity and embodying our genders (and that's beautiful!)

2. Femininity and womanhood do NOT belong to cis women. Trans women and gender non-conforming femmes are not "trying to become women," we are women and femmes. 

3. Trans women and gender non-conforming femmes do not have to look like cis women in order to be legitimate. We do not have to shave, we do not have to take hormones, we do not have to have surgery, we do not have to change our names, we do not have to wear makeup or dresses.  We should not have to undergo the labor of proving what we already are nor should we have to look "beautiful" to be respected.

4. Stop telling trans women and gender non-conforming femmes that we are reifying patriarchal stereotypes of femininity. Do not strip us of our agency and punish us for the ways that we have made ourselves powerful and known in a world determined to erase us.

5. People do not have to identify as women in order to be feminine. People do not have to identify as women to experience sexism and (trans)misogyny. Detach your conception of femininity and womanhood from bodies.

6. Cis feminism is ultimately detrimental to cis women. We all have a stake in challenging the logics of the gender binary. Womanhood and femininity are so much more than what patriarchy has taught us.

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