this is the story of contradiction. i know that change is necessary, but i fear it nonetheless. sometimes i am afraid of making new friends because i think about them dying one day. sometimes i am afraid of saying goodbye on the phone because i am terrified it might be the last time. so i just hang up. so i just disappear. sometimes i leave so i don’t have to get hurt. or rather: sometimes i hurt myself first so other people can’t hurt me. i think about hospital beds, funerals, grief. is loving worth the grief? i am afraid of falling in love because i am afraid of the loneliness on the other side — how alone becomes freshly lonely in the aftermath of it all, the way a crumpled sheet takes a new character when you are gone. i fear the things i know — or rather, i fear the things that i expect. i am expectantly shocked. i pretend things will last forever (even though i know they will fall apart). i pretend that we will live forever (even though i know we will die). i pretend that my body & my mind are distinct (even though i know they are not). i know that knowledge is failing me, but i keep trying to know. for so much of my life i thought the goal was about fighting, but now i think it’s more about feeling. maybe feeling is fighting? pain feels closer to truth than anything i have ever known. or rather: feeling feels closer to truth than anything i have ever known. i know that the people i am & the people i love are dying. but i also feel like we are living while dying. watch me live while dying. watch us live while dying. what do you feel knowing that we are dying? i want to run outside & ask everyone what their plan is for the end of the world but instead i am writing you this letter. here to say i know, and that’s precisely the problem. i know, it hurts. or rather knowing hurts. knowing hurts. 📸@christianhutterphoto
